how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
