sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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