we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
