so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
