I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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