i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize