So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
