a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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