i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
