Got a toothbrush?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
