i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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