I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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