when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
