2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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