I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
