Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
