so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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