Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
