Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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