last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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