does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
