So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
