he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
