so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
