p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
