I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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