Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
