I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
you had me at cake vodka
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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