Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
