Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
