That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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