so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
