No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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