Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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