I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
