sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
