The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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