tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
