Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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