I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
They took my balls.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
