i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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