i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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