Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
