I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
only you would photoshop your dick
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
