I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
