i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
