dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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