The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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