Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
