Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
