Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
