Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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