So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
