can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
